I think it was Charles Dickens who penned the classic phrase, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times".
When I consider the 2 years leading up to my Beloved's passing, I can't think of a more accurate description. Not long after his diagnosis, I launched my mental health business and watched it take off. Our daughter continued to grow and flourish in spite of the stressful season. My mother, who had suffered from necrotizing fasciitis, undergoing 13 or more surgeries, two extensive hospitalizations, and strenuous rehabilitation made a miraculous recovery.
Then, there was the slow deterioration of my husband's health. It was like a constant cloud over us, always threatening to rain. We enjoyed beautiful days along the way, even forgetting many times the harsh reality of what we were facing. I'm grateful for those moments of normalcy, though short-lived. Most days, though, we lived with an internal conflict of fear and faith.
It was during those times that I realized through experience, two things can exist at the same time. Though we set our hearts firmly to believe God, we could not deny the fear that we felt from time to time. Fear of loss. Fear of pain and suffering. Fear of....the future.
This internal dichotomy has continued even after his passing. As I find myself hopeful, yet heartbroken I must admit, it's a strange feeling. Not two weeks after Will's passing, I heard that still small voice whisper "You haven't seen your best days yet". At the time, I was almost offended. My heart felt like a brick inside my chest. Could I even dare to hope or believe again?
More recently, I found myself thinking about John the Baptist as he sat waiting to be beheaded (Matt 11:2-6). He sent word to Jesus, who was also his cousin, probably presuming He would come immediately to save him from such a heinous fate. I imagined how he must have felt when he looked up and saw the messengers returning instead. No Jesus. His heart must have sank and his pulse raced as a million thoughts filled his mind. This was his last ditch effort. He had spent his LIFE clearing the way for a man that didn't even show up for him on his death bed. How would you feel??
He calmed himself enough to hear the words of Jesus through the messengers. "Tell John the blind see, the lame walk, etc." (Matt 11:5, paraphrased). In essence, it's not going to happen for you, but it's happening all around you. Things don't always work out how we want them to. That's a harsh reality, but it's true. Is it good enough, though, that miracles are still happening all around us? When I reflect on our journey, we had several "mini" miracles along the way. I refuse to discard or diminish them because the "big thing" we asked for didn't happen in the end. God is sovereign. Even in his passing, miracles have taken place. With God, nothing is wasted.
Can we allow the clash of hope and heartbreak to continue in our hearts long enough for Hope to overcome? Because it will! It's just a matter of time. Until then, in the words of Rev. Jesse Jackson, Keep Hope Alive! :)
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